Stop Feeding The Weak

Something I told myself this morning.

I have weaknesses that I'm constantly feeding. And because of that I can never kill them off. I made a vow this morning to starve these weaknesses. Slowly they will lose what strength they have on me and die.

Their hunger pangs will be loud at first because of how much I've been feeding them, but soon their cries will die down. Soon I will no longer hear them.

These weaknesses have been holding me down, holding me back, corrupting my confidence and strength. Every morning when I wake up they have been the first to cry out. They tell me I won't make it. They tell me I'm not good enough. They tell me my past shows how much I have failed and it proves I am failure to this day.

I'm done with it. I'm through giving in to these weaknesses. I'm through feeding these trolls. Confidence will be reestablished. Internal validation will be brought to the forefront. Self-esteem will emanate from every pore.

Today is the day I start. Not tomorrow. Not even 5 minutes from now. Right now. Because I will be what I've always wanted to be and these weaknesses have no power over me any longer. I can hear them even now wanting to be fed. They want to suck the life from me as long as I allow them. I won't allow them. It's their time to starve.

Here's the thing that got me. It's a back story and what I am doing about it. I had a father who told me I was worthless, and constantly made me feel like I was the reason for all the trouble in our family. It ruled me - this lack of confidence. It had the steering wheel and guided my very existence. Then something personal happened a couple years ago that woke me up. That's the point in my life (I'm in my 30s) where it was sink or swim. You know? So I started swimming. Why? Because I was tired of giving in and giving up. 

People give up way too much. Why? It's easy, that's why. Give up and let the words of your past control you and guide you. No longer. Screw the easy way. The easy way gets you no where. At least no where anyone really wants to go. The easy way is for people who like to make excuses. People who like the world's way to rule their very existence. They are ruled by voices telling them to sit back down, stay in bed a little longer, eat that last slice, stay up a while longer, don't give that person a call that needs you, don't stop to help that guy out, you don't have time, you don't have the energy ... You don't have a life.

What ruled me? Paranoia. Lack of confidence. Codependency. Depression. Anger. My past. Today I decide what goes on in my head. I'm going to decide to be happy, energetic, fun to be around, confident, forthright. All those things that I was told I could never be. So when I sense a inkling of negativity creep into my mind I'm going to stop it and think something positive. I'm going to think about what I've accomplished - even if it's just getting out of bed on time, or eating a good breakfast. Because every little good thing can be piled on top of the ugly shit that tried to rule me until one day that ugly shit cannot be seen.

Today is my day. Every day is MY day. The past is behind me. I live now and I live just the way I want to and have always wanted to.