Legendary Business: Survival Guide For New Rats
Body: A Guide to the Rat Race for New Rats.
Make friends with HR.
HR
is the Elephants' Graveyard for people with No talent. There
is, inevitably, one person (and usually only one) who does not have
their head completely up their a@s. Buddy up with her (and it's always a
'her') and make sure she handles all your HR needs, because otherwise
whatever you need done will get up by girls and/or AA hires who
are just there for the numbers. The last thing they want to do is actual
work. They want to enjoy their 9-to-5 coffin, collect their paychecks
and go home. Sure, there are talented women and minorities...but not in
HR.
Make friends With IT.
Where
I work, now, I have a good relationship with the CIO (or whatever his
title is), but also his underlings. The CIO is big into getting feed
back abt how his dept performs, and I always send him an email to the
effect that his guys did a great job for me, which they usually do. If I
have a problem with a guy, I handle it with the guy. It costs me
nothing and buys me some goodwill. You might need a friend in IT
someday. IT is never going to land a $20M contract with a new customer.
They're like the CIA; you only hear about their failures.
Don't Flip a Guy For No Reason
You're
going to be working with some people that you don't like. Maybe
someone's just having a bad day, or maybe he's an a@shole. Equanimity
should be the rule for noobs. Don't let yourself get pushed around, but
realize you will not always have the whip hand.
Once,
a guy stiffed me on a referral fee. It would have been two grand, maybe
a bit more. Less than $2500 for sure. And he screwed me on it. I
reached out to him and he didn't respond. Not only did he never got
another referral from me again, and I also drove a few hundred thousand
dollars away from his firm. I hope it was worth it.
Sometimes,
it pays to acknowledge the elephant in the room. I worked with another
guy who was a salesman. The problem was, he couldn't sell. What he could
do was blame other people for his failures. Anyway, I came out of my
office one day, and there he was coming down the hallway towards me.
"Great",
I thought, "This a@shole."
So I said to him, "Joe,
the thing I like about you, and it's the ONLY thing I like about you,
is that it pisses you off MORE to see me coming than it does me to see
you coming."
Inexplicably, we got a long a lot better after that.
Hide in Plain Sight
Sort
of like being the "Gray Man". Do your job, get paid, and enjoy your
life from 5pm to 9am. Nobody is working in Corporate job because it's so cool and awesome, not even the folks at Google (ok, maybe
Google, but not 99% of the rest of everyone else). We're there for the
paycheck.
Don't Mistake Your "Work Friends" for your "Real Friends"
Sure,
there are some cool people at work, and some of them will cross over
into the "real friends" category, but not as many as you think. You're
there to do your job, and get paid.
Secure the Perimeter
Whether
it was business or personal, I tried to make sure that nobody came to
my boss with anything that was a surprise. If anyone asks your boss a
question about you, it's better for him to know the answer because he
heard it from you first.
Don't Get Overdrawn at the Favor Bank
There
will be times when you will need a friend. It's ok to do favors for
people, take on a project or two, because someday...you will need a
friend. I covered another person's region after they moved on, and kept
everything afloat. Since I work for a corporation, they didn't pay me
commensurate with the work I did, but I regarded it as sweat equity. A
good reputation is a powerful shield.
Containment
Contain
your enemies, as George Kennan advised in The Long Telegram. Do not
escalate into a hot war if at all possible, while not suffering any loss
of prestige.
At
a former job, I had an issue with a female co-worker. The issue was
that I didn't want to do her work for her, and she needed me to, because
she wasn't very good at it. She also complained that she "had kids" and
couldn't stay late and do it.
I
value my free time. Also, my name is not Rumple Stiltskin, and
it's not my job to stay late, for no extra pay, to do someone else's
work for her because she got promoted into a job she lacked the talent
for. Now, if someone needs my help and
asks
for it, and has been an ally in the past, etc., I will probably do it on
a one-off basis. It can often be useful to have a positive balance in
the "Favor Bank".
She
started screaming at me one day that I 'had' to do thus and so for her,
and I told her to get stuffed (not the exact words, but that was the
subtext). She freaked and went to her boss, who went to my boss. What a
cunt. That was my boss' assessment, after I had given him my side of the
story. And he was right.
So
what did I do? Having explained s@it to my boss (and I had a story to
tell, how she tries to dump her work on me because she can't do it, and
how I solved a bunch of s@it because it's easy for me, and I'm willing
to take one for the team once in a while, but I'm not simply going to be
her b@itch. My boss handled
it with the other guy. Then he brought it up again two days later. I
was able to quell it (I think she was still yapping; I had dummied up
about it).
So
what to do now? Two things: First, I went to HR. I had cultivated the
Powers That Be in HR, so I had a built in Firewall. The best part was
that the HMFIC in HR loved me and HATED the chick who was giving me
s@hit. So that was that.
The
second thing I did was start looking for a new job. They can't screw up with you when you have options. So I found a better job and make 50%
more than I would if I had stayed put. I also let other
work she tried to dump on me stack up and then gave it all back to her
on my way out the door.
Make Yourself Indispensable, and Then Disappear
I
basically work from wherever I want to and don't have to go into an
office anymore--it is HEAVEN! I do go in, from time to time, but
only to renew connections and to see if they've hired any new talent.
Remember the 'sweat equity' part? That helped. Go read
"The Four Hour Work Week"
by Tim Ferriss and "How to Relax Without Getting the Axe"
by Stanley Bing. Bing has a whole section on doing what I do, pretty much.
How
do I get away with it? I perform at a high level, I am always
reachable, I have a unique set of skills and my employer understands
that he pays me for PERFORMANCE not for attendance.
Have a Plan For When Shit Goes Bad
Always
have two escape routes. Eventually, you are going to want to move up or
move on. If I didn't like what I do for a living, I could walk away and
still make six figures doing what I do on the side, and by leveraging
my contacts. Someday, I will do that, anyway.
Most
people in Corporate job are not curing cancer. That's fine. AFAIAC, my
job exists to fund my lifestyle. Nobody on their death bed says,
"I wish I'd spent more time at the office."
As the Christians say, be in the world, but not of the world. Or something like that.
A
word about lifestyle: The only reason to work in a corporation is to
make a shit-ton of money. If you are not, then go do something else. And
whatever you do, don’t outspend your paycheck. Save Crowns and Pounds
and Farthings. You will need a war chest someday.
Look,
I got over. Sure, the economy sucked a@ss when I got out and I fought
back and found a way to prosperity. Kids today are getting factored to a
fare thee well. Think long and hard before taking the CEO’s shilling.
1
This is exactly what Tiger Woods should have had. If he'd had a second
phone that (a) was identical to whatever phone his caddy/major
domo/little helper guy had and (b) HAD A PASSWORD ON IT, he
wouldn't have wound up being chased down his driveway by his golf
club-wielding wife. Dumb, dumb, dumb. When his wife found it, he could
have said, "Oh, that's [name of sidekick]'s phone. I'll take that and return it to him, thanks."
I think that he gets busted eventually, anyway, b/c that guy was half the women in America, but who knows.
LESSON 1: Be Loyal…To Yourself.
The days of walking into IBM or GM or GE at 21 and walking out at 65
with a fat pension and a gold watch are Way Long Gone. It's every man
for himself these days, BUT....it need not be "Lord of the Flies".
Every article you see titled
"Gen X and Gen Y Have No Work Ethic"
should be titled "Gen X and Gen Y refuse to be Treated Like Commodities; Boomers OUTRAGED!"
Why
the Boomers expect loyalty when they offer none is beyond me. The RP
Man in Corporate job should have loyalty to (a) his paycheck and (b)
those of his colleagues who have proven themselves worthy. That's it.
The a@sholes in the C-Suite would just as happily fire you if it would
make their stock go up a nickel as look at you.
LESSON 2: Have Options. Learn a trade. Be able to do something so you aren’t dependent on a Corporate job paycheck.
I think the modern trend is going to be away toward entrepreneurship.
One of the difficulties we face as a society is, "where will the jobs
come from?" That is why I recommend that men have a trade. If you have a
trade, then you won't go hungry. Sure, technology is disruptive (yes, I
am looking at you, Uber) but nobody in China or India or on the
internet is going to fix your plumbing.
LESSON 3: Avoid Debt.
The LAST thing I would recommend is piling on educational debt
to the tune of $500k to get a BA and JD or whatever. It's a disaster.
The generation behind me can't buy houses because they're getting on tuition and debt service thereon. It's INSANE. And
the degrees people get, now. Gender Studies? I sit on our hiring committee and I ding everyone who has a s@hitstain degree.
Women's Studies? Best case she's merely a lazy cunt. Worst case, she's a
lazy cunt who sues the firm. Same thing with anything else
that's f@cked up.
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