How to Get Out of the Friend Zone

11:35 PM Amer Bekic 0 Comments




Disclaimer

I think it is definitely possible to get out of the friendzone (I’ve done it several times), but it usually a waste of time. 9 times out of 10, if a woman has friendzoned you, she was either never interested in the first place or she has solidified in her mind you as “just a friend” and it is difficult for you to crawl back out of that bucket. If a woman likes you, she will move mountains to get you, so if you guys are hanging out platonically, and she is not showing romantic interest, she’s probably not interested and never will be.

I also advise against trying to get out of the friendzone because it shows that you are desperate and lack abundance. A girl who has friendzoned you has already rejected you, so you should move on and find somebody else. Continually pursuing somebody who has rejected you is a sign of scarcity, and if you pursue a girl who has already rejected you, you are telling her and yourself that you are a loser with no other options. This will destroy your self-esteem.

Sometimes guys will do loserish things, like let a girl treat them badly or repeatedly pursue a girl who doesn’t care about them, and justify it by saying “I don’t really care about her.” This is a bad idea, because even though you consciously think you "quite frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.,” by pursuing her, you become emotionally invested, and by allowing her treat you like s@it, you subconsciously re-wire your brain to feel like a beta male.

But I know a lot of guys want to try to get out of the friendzone, so here is my guide.

What is the friendzone?

To me, the friendzone is different than a real friendship. A real friendship is based on equality and a general agreement by the friends as to the nature of the relationship. The friendzone, however, is often a manipulative relationship where one party (usually the girl, but sometimes the guy) exercises power over and takes advantage of somebody they know has romantic interest (I’ll call them the “interested party”). In the worst type of friendzone, the party in the power position (I’ll call them the “desired party”) dangles the possibility of a romantic relationship in front of their “friend” to get what they want (money, favors, etc...), and snatches it away after they’ve gotten what they want.

A friendzone relationship can also arise when the interested party tries to manipulate the desired party by pretending to be their friend. The interested party usually does not have an intelligent plan as to how they are going to transition the “friendship” into something romantic, but I think they subconsciously think that once the desired party gets to know them, they will become interested and want to have love with them. Or maybe they think they will be able to take advantage of their “friend” once the desired party becomes drunk, desperate, lonely, etc...

So, essentially, sometimes the friendzone is the girl’s fault, sometimes it’s the guy’s fault, and sometimes its’ both parties fault. In any event, it’s an unhealthy friendship.

Before I continue, I’d like to make a point I am very passionate about. I think it is very, very, very morally wrong to pretend to be somebody’s friend under false pretenses. A friendship is a sacred bond and there is nothing that hurts a person more than finding out somebody they thought was a friend was really just trying to use them for something else. When you are friends with somebody, you open up to them, tell them to your secrets, and you let yourself feel “special” because you know somebody likes you as a friend. It is a massive breach of trust to let somebody feel like they are your friend and then later tell them “no, actually I just wanted to have love with you.” Imagine your best friend form childhood said to you one day “I never really liked you, I just hung out with you because your parents had money.” You would be crushed.

So before you try to get out of the friendzone with somebody, and definitely before you get “into” the friendzone again, think about the deep moral consequences of what you are doing.

The power relationship

All human relationships are, to some degree, power relationships. When Brad Pitt hangs out with his friends, he probably has the power position because he is Brad Pitt and they are not. Normally, in a mature, intelligent relationship, each party has clearly defined roles and boundaries so there is no power struggle. If I get a flat tire, I know I can call my best friend and he will come help me, not because he is my friend, but because he knows I would the same for him. But if my friend would come fix my flat tire, but I wouldn’t do the same for him, then our friendship is unhealthy because I have power over him.

A friendzone relationship is not a mature, intelligent relationship, and the desired party usually has power over the interested party because the desired party has something the interested party wants. The desired party may have some attraction and interest in the interested party, but the desired party still has power because they know they can get the interested party whenever they want.

Because the interested party wants the desired party, there is often a very dangerous power imbalance in a friendzone relationship. The interested party often supplicates to the desired party, does favors with no equal return, keeps asking out the desired party, and accepts the desired party’s rude and bad behavior. Humans have a very bad habit where we treat people badly when we feel like we have power over them. A friendzone relationship is especially unhealthy because the desired party becomes spoiled and intoxicated by the power of knowing that the interested party wants them and will do anything to get them. I’ve noticed that it is usually only very insecure people that continue to hang out with people they’ve friendzoned.

How to not get friendzoned in the first place

If you want to have love with a girl, at some point you need to make it clear you want to have love with her. If you start showing intent and escalating from the initial interaction (or reciprocate her advances), she will know without you having to explicitly tell her. But if you hide your intent and only show it later, you may need to say something so that you don't suddenly look like you're a handsy creep.

There are a lot of ways of showing love intent from the beginning of the interaction. When you are first getting to know her, you can say something like “you’re my type” or compliment some aspect of her physical appearance. You can also ask her “are you single”? For some reason, a lot of guys think that’s a bad question to ask, but I don’t think so at all. I think it’s a perfectly reasonable question to ask somebody you just met if you are getting to know them either as a romantic partner OR a friend. If she says she has a boyfriend you can just say “he’s a lucky guy” and then move on. If she says she is single, you can say something very slight and noncommittal but that still shows your interest. For example, you can say “ok, good news for me” or “ok, congratulations, welcome to my world.” Use your emotional intelligence to say the right thing.

Other ways of escalating include kino (touching), having deep conversations about love and/or relationships, making love jokes, and/or just asking her out on a date.

If you don’t feel comfortable escalating with a girl in a particular environment or place, you can get her number and try to escalate the next time you hang out. But in any event, do not “pretend” to be her friend and establish a pattern where you hang out and fail to escalate. It’s better for you to keep your distance rather than to hang around her in a platonic way. Furthermore, it’s better for you to show love intent and get rejected rather than to never show love intent at all. She may not be interested right now (she may be talking to another guy, or be going through personal issues such that relationships are a low priority in her mind, or a million things), but she may change her mind later. Women know that men have love desires, and she cannot fault you for expressing those desires, so long as you do not do it in an aggressive or overbearing way. It’s better to be honest and put the love card on the table at the beginning than to lie about it and have it come out later.

How to get out of the friendzone

Step One: Figure out what you want

So let’s say a girl has friendzoned you. You must figure out what kind of relationship you actually want with her so that when you have the dreaded “conversation” with her you know what you are going to say. Do you want to date her? You need to keep in mind that once you escalate, she may reject you completely so that not only do you not love her, but you lose the friendship as well. On the flipside, it is also possible that she falls in love with you and gets mad at you if you don’t want to date her.

From the girl’s perspective, her fear may be that if she loves you, you will fall in love and become a pest, start acting weird, and can no longer be a friend. I try to defuse this concern by saying something like “I understand your concern, but I think the real danger is that YOU will fall in love with ME.” Say this very confidently, as if you are absolutely sure this will happen and it has happened before. She will probably say something like “no I promise I won’t.” And I just say on the theme “no the real danger is that you’ll fall in love with me. But it’s ok. I will be nice about it. I won’t be a jerk when you fall in love with me.”

Step Two: Take the power back

You cannot get out of the friendzone if the desired party has the power. You must take the power back. To do this, you must show that you are less emotionally invested in her. I wrote a whole other article on emotional investment (you should go read that right now, it’s free) but briefly, you should do the following things to not look or be emotionally invested:

• Don’t do anything for her she wouldn’t do for you (examples: buying her a drink, following her around, calling her to hang out, holding something for her, etc...)


• Keep other things in your thoughts and feelings while you are talking to her.


• Don’t change your behavior or curtail your fun to make her like you. Don’t supplicate to her or validate yourself to her.


• Stay relaxed and calm no matter what she says or does.


This is going to be hard for you if you are emotional about the desired party. You may also have to spend less time with her, hang out with other girls, and generally show her you “have a life” outside of her. You may even need to wait until she reaches out to you, which can take a long time, depending on how much power you gave up in the relationship. A lot of times guys don’t realize how badly they’ve been friendzoned until they take a step away from their “friend” and then realize their “friend” has no real desire to hang out with them, doesn’t reach out to them, and doesn’t go out of their way to do anything for them. If your “friend” is really this cold to you if you don’t reach out to her, consider cutting all ties and moving on. When you do hang out with her, you may also need to be a little bit emotionally colder so that she realizes she can get only get access to your emotions if she provides positive emotions herself. You don’t want to be her emotional blanket.

It is also important for you to feel free to talk about other girls and to flirt with other girls in front of her. It’s also not bad to go home with another girl if you guys are both somewhere together. If she has not committed to a relationship to you, or even expressed interest in you, you have no reason to “limit” yourself to her. By talking about other girls, you show you have other options and are not fixated on her and controlled by her. Think about this: does she talk about guys she’s interested in with you? If yes, then you are well within your right to talk about other girls in front of you. Even if she doesn’t, you have the right to talk about girls you like in front of her.

Step Three: Test the waters

Once you’ve taken the power back, or at least equalized it, then you put out a feeler to see if she is interested in you. Don’t bother with this step until you’ve taken the power back. If she knows she still has the power in the relationship, then you will just come off as needy and supplicating.

To test the waters, I say something joking and noncommittal, like:

• I always had a crush on you but I was afraid to make a move.


• I always thought we would be a good couple, except for [make up some reason]


• I wanted to ask you out before, but [reason why you couldn't]


This is obviously a very tricky tactic but it's something you eventually must do somehow. Most guys get stuck in the friendzone for precisely this reason - they can't smoothly transition from platonic relationship to "love" without sounding awkward and weird.

When you drop this bomb on her (and yes, it will be a bomb in the middle of your relationship) you must say it very confidently, directly, and with no shame. I would also immediately back off (think of the push-pull dynamic) and immediately give her breathing room and space, because you don't want to look like one of these creepy guys that has been plotting on love her this whole time but was too scared or manipulative to say anything before. I might drop the bomb in the middle of a party and immediately walk away to do something else, or immediately change the subject so she doesn't suddenly feel a bunch of pressure. This way you are showing love, romantic interest, but you are also taking the pressure off of her and giving her a way "out" in case she's not interested. You're also very mildly rejecting her and kind of acting like YOU friendzoned HER, and not vice-versa, and that maybe she can get out of the friendzone if she just did X, Y, or Z.

I also may address the friendzone issue head-on, and say something like “are you friendzoning me.” I always do this in a laughing, joking way so she doesn’t feel like I am a crazy stalker. I may something like “I will not accept your friendzoning!!” (again, laughing) or “I’ll be friendzoned for now, but watch out later!” The key is not betraying too much emotional investment in her. Emotional investing in somebody is giving them power over you, so you must be very smart and not do that.

If you test the waters and she gives a firm no, abort mission. It’s wrong to pursue a girl that has said no to you, but it’s even worse to continually pursue a friend who has said no to you. The point of testing the waters is to gauge her interest without making the friendship weird, so if she doesn’t show interest, don’t make the friendship weird.

Step Four: Express your interest and escalate

If you test the waters, and she is interested, then you can show your interest and escalate. Again, you must do so intelligently. Oftentimes, it may be a good idea to go cold, not reach out to her for a while, and then text her to hang out. In the new hang out, immediately start escalating and make it clear that the rules of the relationship are now different.

You have to realize that once a woman has the power over you, it is very hard for her to give it up, and you may never dig yourself out of that hole.

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