Guys, Here's How To Eliminate Flaking

9:11 PM Amer Bekic 0 Comments

Flakes are an invisible but significant source of rejection. The percentage of numbers that flake for most guys is high, in some cases, as high as 90%. This adds up to a lot of missed opportunities. Fortunately, there are effective strategies to reduce your flake-rate dramatically without requiring much effort on your part. Using the following techniques can help you avoid what otherwise could be an endless source of frustration.

Strategy 1: The Power of Verbal Confirmation

In 1989 Angela Lipsitz and her colleagues made an interesting finding about the power of verbal confirmation. They wanted to see what would happen when they ended their blood drive reminder calls with, “We’ll count on seeing you then, okay?” After saying this, they waited for a verbal confirmation. What they found was impressive, to say the least. The simple maneuver of allowing people to verbally confirm they would come to the blood drive increased response rates from 62 to 81 percent.

Whenever you suggest plans with a girl, simply ask, “Does that sound good?” She will verbally agree and because she’s made a verbal commitment to meet you, she will be significantly more likely to follow through with her plans.

Strategy 2: Use the Psychology of Commitment and Consistency

Commitment and consistency is a psychological principle that guides human behavior without our awareness. Psychologist Robert Cialdini found that Commitment and Consistency makes us act in accordance with the values we share publicly. The power of this principle was demonstrated in a study in which participants were asked to wear a cancer awareness button for one week. This might seem like a totally harmless request, but it influenced participants’ behavior totally unbeknownst to their conscious awareness.

Sometime after the participants had finished wearing the cancer awareness badges, they were asked to make donations to help fight cancer. The participants who had worn the badges donated significantly more money than people who had not. In terms of commitment and consistency, wearing a cancer awareness badge made participants unconsciously feel identified with cancer activism, so when they were asked to donate money to help fight cancer, they acted consistently with this identity by donating more money.

How does this apply to flaking? Commitment and consistency is triggered whenever we make a statement about our values to someone else. If you don’t want someone to flake on you, get them to identify themselves as a reliable person out loud, and they will feel an unconscious desire to act consistently with that identity, and therefore they will be significantly less likely to flake on your plans.

I create this effect by saying something to a girl like, “What’s a really common personality trait a lot of people have that bothers you?” (Her response is irrelevant) After we’ve finished talking about the trait she mentioned, I will follow up by saying, “For me it’s flakiness. So many people don’t do what they say they’re going to do. Reliability has always been important to me.”

Nine times out of ten, she will agree with this sentiment, and by telling you that she dislikes flakiness, she will be triggering the commitment and consistency principle in your favor. Because of this, when you make plans with her, she will feel an unconscious desire to act in accordance with her stated value of being reliable, and therefore she will be less likely to flake on your plans.

It’s important to mention that you shouldn’t do this right before or after you ask her out. If you did, it could come off as awkward and forced. This is not the frame you want to set. Instead, bring this up during conversation at least a few minutes before you ask her out.

Strategy 3: The first date should be casual

For a woman, going on a date with a guy can be a high-pressure situation. Girls have a concern that a guy will expect a certain outcome from the date, and this can make a date more stressful than fun for her. This has nothing to do with you, but because women are sometimes uncomfortable with the pressure of going on a date with a guy they just met, the less your plans feel like a date, the less likely it is she will flake on your plans.

First, don’t invite her to dinner or a movie. It’s strange that going to a movie theatre together is a staple first date for many guys, they’re a bad option for a variety of reasons (can’t talk much, it’s awkward not to put your arm over her shoulder, but it’s also awkward TO put your arm over her shoulder, etc.) Going to dinner isn’t great either, because it puts on a lot of pressure, it feels like a big commitment (the more expensive the dinner, the worse it is for a first date).

In my opinion, the best low-pressure first date is getting a cup of coffee together. Almost all women are open to it, it’s public, it’s low pressure, and it’s a great place to have conversation. This is a great first date option that will have a lower flake rate than most other choices (getting drinks together is another good option).

Strategy 4: Take off Pressure by Setting a No-Lose Frame

You can reduce the pressure a girl feels by going on a date with you by subtly framing her as a platonic friend. A simple way to do this is to mention a disqualifying statement during your conversation. For example, you can say it’s cool to have met a girl who you feel you can just have a nice friendly conversation with or tell her that she’s like the little sister you never had.

The particular statement you use isn’t important, what matters is that you imply that you see her as a friend. This will reduce her chances of flaking because you’re showing her that you don’t see her as a s@x object, you see her as a potential friend. Making new friends is pressure-free for women.

In fact, I know a guy who uses this strategy to sle@p with girls who have a boyfriend, when she texts that she has a boyfriend, he will reply, “But you can still have friends, right?” The girl will agree, he will then set up plans ‘as friends’ and when he meets her in person, he’ll turn on the charm and sleep with her (I don’t recommend this, but this shows the power of setting this frame).

Strategy 5: Create an Image

This strategy is powerful in two ways. Say, “Isn’t it cool meeting new people, then maybe getting to know each other over a cup of coffee and just having some fun making a new connection?” She will almost certainly agree with this statement, firstly, this is triggering commitment and consistency. She’s told you that it’s fun to meet new people and get a cup of coffee with them, like before, this increases the chances she will act consistently with her statement (you can stack the other statement with this one, they don’t overlap).

But this statement also does something else taken from influence psychology. Advertisers make a point to make you imagine yourself with a product because your brain can’t distinguish between imagining something and actually experiencing it. Advertisers know that once you imagine yourself with a product, you will feel more at ease with the product and you will be more inclined to choose it over unfamiliar products.

The sentence, “Isn’t it cool meeting new people, then maybe getting to know each other over a cup of coffee and just having some fun making a new connection?” will cause her to imagine spending time with a stranger and getting a cup of coffee with them. Guess who she’s going to fill in for the word stranger? The stranger right in front of her of course. By creating a mental image of getting coffee with you, she’s going to feel like doing so is something totally natural to do, because as far as her unconscious mind can tell, it’s already happened.

Strategy 6: Make your plans specific

Many guys ask for a girl’s number without making any plans. They just say, “Hey, what’s your number?” She gives them her number and then he says, “Thanks, bye!” Don’t get a girl’s number just to get her number, get her number to solidify plans to hang out again. To do this, first, suggest plans, then, once she agrees, ask for her phone number. This prevents you from being one of five guys who she’s giving her number out to that night. Instead you’ll be the guy who she’s giving her phone number out to hang out with again in the near future.

Making any plans is better than no plans, but the more specific the plans you make the better. Psychologists Chip Heath and Dan Heath call this, “Scripting the critical moves” which means that specific plans make people far more likely to follow through.

To accomplish this, specify 1. What you’re going to do. 2. When you’re going to do it. And 3. Where you’re going to meet. For example, first, you might mention she’s fun to talk to and that you should hang out again. Once she agrees, find out her availability, you might say, “What are you doing Sunday evening?”

(Side note: As soon as you’ve found out her availability, you might want to find out if she lives in the area, if it turns out she doesn’t, you can suggest a location that’s not too far from her to make the trip to meet you less daunting.)

Once you’ve found out her availability, suggest specific plans like, “Okay, how’s coffee on Sunday at seven at Epic CafĂ©?” She will verbally confirm (see strategy 4) and now you’ve made solid plans. This is much less likely to lead to a flake than something vague like, “Let’s hang out sometime.”

Strategy 7: Text yourself a compliment

This is a devious technique that will make you stand out from all the other guys with little effort on your part. When you get a girl’s number, ask for her phone and put in your information. After you’ve added yourself, send a funny and exaggerated text to yourself from her phone like, “I am so grateful to have been graced with your presence, you are truly a gentleman and a scholar.”

You don’t need to send that exact text, simply follow the basic framework which is to send yourself a text that is positive towards you but in an exaggerated and humorous way. (Double points if the text you send references the conversation you had with her). Doing this is powerful because it sets a unique, fun frame for the ensuing text conversation.

Attractive women constantly have guys hitting them up via text, when you text her and she sees the funny text that ‘she sent’, you’re going to stand out in a positive way. Texting you is going to be fun because you’ve framed the text conversation as fun and flirty before she’s even written anything. You can easily use this initial text to start off a flirty dialogue between you and her.

Regardless, by sending this text you’re reducing the chance that she’ll flake on you because your text exchange started with something memorable and lighthearted, which puts you in stark contrast to all the thirsty guys that normally hit her up via text.

Strategy 8: Make Your Availability Scarce

One of the most powerful unconscious influences on our behavior is scarcity. What is always available has low value. To understand the power of scarcity, compare the value of water and gold. Gold is far less important than water, yet it’s many times more valuable. Why? Because gold is rare and water is abundant. But imagine if water were to suddenly become as rare and difficult to acquire as gold, water would become the most valuable thing in the world, you would do whatever it took to get some.

The scarcity principle applies to dating in many ways (it’s why teasing and disqualifiers are so effective for example). If you make yourself appear too eager, too available, the notion of spending time with you in the future will seem to have low value. If a girl asks, “When are you free?” and you say, “Always.” You’re sending her a red flag that can kill interest because your extreme availability implies that your time has low value.

In contrast, if you make your availability appear to be scarce you will reduce the chances a woman will flake on you. Accomplishing this is easy, when a girl specifies that she’s available, you can say something like, “Great. I’ve been really busy lately, but luckily I’m free on Thursday too.” This subtly implies that you aren’t usually available, and that therefore the plans she’s just made with you have more value. As a result, she will be much less likely to flake on your plans.


I’ve tried a variety of methods to reduce flaking, and these are the strategies I’ve found to be the most effective. Any of these techniques can help reduce the number of flakes you receive, experiment with the strategies that resonate with you and see which work best.