Why Would You Want Her To Like You?!

9:57 AM Amer Bekic 0 Comments

Summary: Very common but also very naive question is "how to make her like me?". As if being likeable is a helpful trait. It's understandable where it comes from. All the nice guys think that there is some sort kind of shortcut between being liked and being loved.

Unfortunately, the only fast track is to being friendzoned. Also, being loved and desired are two separate things. Let's sort this mess out.

Why Would You Want Her To Like You?!

Who on earth you would want to make her like you? The image that comes to mind is some sorry and hopeless guy sending "that one girl" thousands of likes on social media in a futile attempt to get her attention. Sadly, he's among hundreds of others who are invisible to her. And rightfully so.

First impression cannot be changed. If she liked you and you were a nice guy then you're invisible to her s@xually. You're not even considered. Whatever you do, however you think it might go, it won't lead to s@x.

If you think there is a sequence that goes from being liked to being attractive then you're delusional. These aspects are orthogonal. She can like you and want to have s@x with you or she can hate you and still spend a wild night (even if it's going to be just one night). So instead of getting a girl to like you, focus on making her want you.

Attraction Is Always First

If there were any clear sequence of emotions then I'd say attraction is first. Obviously, there is a matter of physical attractiveness, your style, the way you move and smile. But most of cold approaches happen where she hasn't even seen you beforehand. So there you are, right in front of her and she has a lot of things to process very quickly.

Of course everything physical is processed first. But then there are other qualities in play - your charm, wit, lifestyle, whatever you promote as your main feature. Girls very quickly decide whether or not they would like to love you. So why do we need more than a "hey, you're cute, give me your number"?
Some of those girls will be green lights ("yes, please"), some red ("no, never") but many will be various shades of orange ("maybe"). It's a matter of changing that "maybe, I don't know" to "well, why not" or at least "there might be something to him".

Some girls will be down to a relationship while others will be open for casual s@x. You want to plant the seed, filter and sort everything out during your initial approach. 2 minutes of flirting isn't enough for her to learn enough to realize that she wants you and she's accepting all the risks that might come with seeing you and sleeping with you.

She Doesn't Have To Like You To Sleep With You

S@xual attractiveness has nothing to do with being likeable. That's why you always hear stories about "those jerks", that's why girls go to bed with guys who they know nothing about. If she's attracted then she wants you and that's it.

I'm not saying that it's an advantage when she hates you nor that if she happens to like you then it is bad. Those are unrelated. If she fancies you or you are intriguing or exciting then she will want to spend more time with you to get more of those emotions. Stop trying to learn how to get a girl to like you as you gain nothing by that.

Be A Threat

People like what they are not afraid of. Do you really want that girl to think that you are harmless like a puppy? Where's excitement in that? She wants you to be a dangerous man. She dreams of taming you but at the same time, she's excited by the risk.

If you're not dangerous nor exciting nor mysterious nor unpredictable (and so on) then you're boring. And why would anyone subject themselves to boredom? We enjoy being thrilled and we even seek that feeling - motorbike riding, rollercoasters, horror movies, mountaineering, sailing, etc.

But... But...

There is no point in learning how to get a girl to like you. Do not focus on being likeable, work on being attractive and avoid being unlikable. That's it.

There is a big difference between actively doing things to make other people like you and avoiding being an unlikable social outcast. Don't be unnecessarily rude, don't lie, don't break your promises, etc. Avoid doing things that scare people away because - surprise, surprise - she is also amongst people around you.
But it's a passive quality, you don't have to do much to avoid pissing off other individuals.

Lessons (re)learned:
  • She doesn't have to like you to sleep with you
  • Focusing on being likable leads straight to friendzone
  • Apparently five most popular male characters in women's pornographic fiction are: vampire, werewolf, billionaire, pirate, and surgeon. I struggle to find anyone even remotely likeable and harmless on that list.
  • There has to be way for her to rationalize what she's doing but scenarios that start "he was such a likeable guy" rarely end with "one thing led to another".
  • Be attractive, don't be unlikable. That's enough.