Dealing with 'people never contact me first' or 'i am always ignored in conversation' or 'nobody ever asks me about me'

3:50 AM Amer Bekic 0 Comments

People never contact me first: There is loads of reasons why people don’t contact you first.

  • Quite often, its because people are busy and you just don’t enter their mind. Counter to that is that you’re not busy enough, and so you look for sources of entertainment.
  • Other reasons include spending time with their partner..i often read on here about how ‘and then I got a GF and I stopped talking to my friends as much’. You’re friends tend to fall to the wayside when you get a new partner, its just the way it is.
  • It could also be that most people are prone to doing nothing rather than making an effort to do something (the status quo bias). In an increasingly busy lifestyle, their mode of thinking might be ‘I have had a long, and stressful day. What is more attractive to me; staying at home, and the certainty of a quiet, stress free evening, or go out, in a bad mood, and possibly have a crap night?’.
  • Another reason is that asking someone to do hang out with you leaves you with the possibility of facing rejection. And no one wants to be rejected, because it makes you wonder why they don’t want to hang with you. So everyone takes less risks, and waits for someone else to organise something.
  • The final reason why someone might not contact you is that if you don’t see that person regularly, you don’t enter their mind as much. There is a reason that people tend to socialise a lot with their work colleagues and its because you see your work colleagues everyday, and share similar experiences to them. Its why making friends is harder as you get older. Making friends when you’re young or at university is a piece of piss; you see them everyday, they are at the same stage of life as you are, they are geographically close to you, and likely have shared interests, and they have a lot of spare time. This isn’t the case as people get older.

I am always ignored in conversation/social events

  • It could be because your other friends are just closer to each other. It happens. You can’t force it, you just have to meet new people.
  • It might be because you’re too serious/not serious enough/have a negative mindset/are pessimistic/you’re boring.
  • Take a risk! Don’t care what other people think..they’re too busy caring about what people think of them! Have something to say.
  • It links back to my previous point about how often you see people. I went to a different university, while the rest of my friends all went to the same university, that wasn’t that far from our original homes anyway. When we came back during the holidays, I tended to be excluded (not deliberately) from a lot of conversation because I hadn’t experienced what they were talking about, or who they were talking about etc.

Nobody ever asks about me

  • A good conversation takes two to tango. Each person has to be interested in each other. If they aren’t tangoing then take it that they are only interested in themselves…surprisingly prevalent in todays society. People only want to talk about themselves. In fact, its considered good social skills if you spend 20% of the time talking, and letting them talk for the other 80%.
  • If you aren’t happy with the conversation, make your excuses and leave.
  • Even if people are asking you about yourself, it doesn’t mean they care or actually want to know. They may just be being polite. So just because you see two people having a conversation, it doesn’t mean they are having a great conversation. There have been nights where I’m chatting up a girl, and I’m spending the whole time listening to things that I just don’t give a shit about. She might think I actually want to know, but all I’m doing is winging for a friend, or because I want to get freaky with her.
  • Conversation is an exchange of value. If you aren’t offering some form of value, people aren’t going to engage you. If you’re negative, or shy, or boring to talk to, people just aren’t going to open you.

A lot of these complaints are symptoms of a deeper problem. Perhaps its due to low self-esteem. Or because you just don’t have a busy life. Or because you over-think everything.

Don’t for a second think that you’re the only one experiencing these thoughts. I’m sure all your friends have them as well, at some point in their life. A lot of these issues can be solved just by taking risks. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable to people, joining a new class and inviting your classmates out afterwards and engaging with them, ringing people up and asking them to do something with you. YOU have to be the one to take these steps though. A lot of people will ask the question on reddit and hope for an answer that makes them feel better. You have to find out the answer to te question yourself.

Another thing I think is worth mentioning. People are desperate to be lead. People hate responsibility, and making plans, so they don't do it. Erich Fromm sums it up when he talks about the 'fear of freedom'. People like the illusion that they chose to do something. If you can do it with enough confidence, people will follow you. But that is the key to a lot the issues. Having the confidence, and appearing confident. If you look like you know what you're doing, people will accept it and follow it.